I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
