i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize