I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
