Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
