I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
