tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
