I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
