my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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