I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
