i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
