3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
