True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
