Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
