I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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