is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
