Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize