We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
