Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
