Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize