The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
