i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
