we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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