What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
