U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
