the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you didnt know i had herpes?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
