wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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