I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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