I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
