what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize