I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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