Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
