Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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