I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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