she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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