I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
