Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
