Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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