why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
