sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
