Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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