her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
