the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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