the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Say something about gay babies.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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