I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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