toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
