between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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