Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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