I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
