I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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