I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
