he puts the penis in happiness.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize