You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
