Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize