I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
