just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
