Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
