apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize