My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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