so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
