you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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