Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
