so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
