He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
