oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
