her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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